That Session With All The Axes

[problemsleuth]

Feb 9, 2011 17:32:06 GMT -6 gamzee said:

nocturnalGumshoe: Don the hood. BECOME THE NIGHT.

You don the hood. You become the night.

Except you don’t really cos you’re just a fat dude in his mom’s basement dressed up in a crappy self-made costume.

But that’s all about to change. You are about to embark on a quest that will surely make a hero of you. You are going to enter a world where everyone will see your true worth. The chance to finally become what your heart most desires. A HERO.

Of course a hero’s greatest asset is not brawn, nor magic, nor technology. It’s brains. And you’ve chosen your position carefully. You will not be the one to feel the full brunt of the game. You have your guinea pig and for every mistake and obstacle he overcomes you will learn. You will have the second most valuable asset to a hero: prep time. And when it’s your turn you’ll be fully prepared. The others will be reliant on the knowledge you’ve gathered and the guinea pig, in his weakened state, will be reliant on your strength. You will assume your place as leader and lead your team to glorious victory and earn the ultimate prize. Granted, you aren’t really sure who you will be facing or what the ultimate prize is. But surely it is the ultimate prize to earn the title of the world, nay, the universe's greatest hero.

All you lack is a weapon. You have plenty of stuff that looks like weapons but will likely break at the first sign of stress. After all, you should never, never take it out of the box. That’s just stupid. Well, you’ll see how Ryder does and maybe think of a suitable home made weapon from there.

Time to tell Ryder to install the game and get this journey started. It feels like these last few hours have been months and barely anything has happened. Well. That changes now.

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[problemsleuth]

Huh. Well that was strange. Those few seconds seemed to drag on for even longer. Well, no time to waste. Best get on with it quick before it happens again. Time to contact that colossal asshole.

-nocturnalGumshoe started pestering dharmicRider-

NG: Ok, you can install the game now. I’m ready to assist.
DR: I have a question first. Do you know anyone called Petrovic or Falcon or Abe or anything retarded like that?
NG: Errr, no. Why?
DR: Forget it. Let’s just get this over with.



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DR: Install the game in an appropriately awesome manner.



You start the game in an appropriately awesome manner.The downloading has started. Man, sure is a lot of words flashing by under that loading bar there. Simulating worlds. Well, you guess that makes sense. Setting IQ of consorts? What does that mean? Arming Agents, pumping grist, deploying underlings? This game sure is confusing. Well, looks like it’s finishing up.



Woah. You’re starting to get a bit dizzy…feel a little faint…what…the….fuck.

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Before you know what is happening, visions flash before your mind’s eye. You see yourself splashed with blood and gore, carrying a ridiculous weapon. An explosion, ripping the earth and burning the air around it. Ed looking around in panic and wonder. A man in a saffron robe, whose skin seems as black as jet and shines like glass. And a mysterious hooded figure floating on air, bathed in flame and surrounded by an enormous feathered snake. And as quickly as they had appeared they depart and you feel yourself falling, but upwards…faster and faster until…



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You wake in your room. Man that was weird. What’s even weirder is there is a bunch of weird gizmos and machines in your room, which wasn’t there before. Predictably, that overbearing lardass is trying to contact you. You better reply, groggy though you are.

-nocturnalGumshoe started pestering dharmicRider-

NG: Hey, you ok there? You fainted when the installation finished.
DR: Yeah, I’m ok. Just a bit freaked out. How long was I out for? What is all this shit?
NG: I thought I’d start looking into some of the options available to me while you were unconscious. If you look up, you’ll see me.




DR: You mean that thing floatin’ there? How does that even work? I thought this game was a virtual reality thing, but we’re still in the real world aren’t we? I mean all my stuff is still here.
NG: It seems that the game overlays it’s unique elements over our real world. But you can still make the two interact. To be honest I find the whole concept a little confusing, so I’ve just been messing around and experimenting with what is available to me.
DR: Can you skip to the part where you tell me something useful?
NG: You know you’re my client right? I would be more polite if I were you.
DR: Or else what? What are YOU going to do?
NG: Well I could for instance pick up that axe and drop it on your TV.
DR: BULLSHIT.
NG: WHOOPS.



DR: YOU MOTHERFUCKER I’LL CUT YOUR BLOATED CARCASS OPEN
NG: Now, now, you were asking for that. And petty as it seems it shows you the first important thing about what I discovered. I can select and move objects around, be they game objects or real life objects. The exception seemed to be you. I can’t move you around at all.
DR: You tried moving me around while I was unconscious? WHAT THE FUCK? IS THAT WHAT GETS YOU OFF YOU SICK FREAK?
NG: Don’t be absurd. You were taking up a good empty space in which to deploy the game objects. Which brings me to the next two points. I can change your house. Build new rooms, make it taller, wider, remove walls, add walls. The only reason to do so at the moment seems to be to make sure there is enough room to deploy the game’s objects though. I think we need to use them to get to the next stage of the game. This part seems to be more about the server player learning the ropes than the client player doing all that much. Also apparently I can only do stuff while you are in the close vicinity, else I probably would have doubled the size of your house. Your house is pretty terrible by the way. It’s more just a room.
DR: FUCK YOU MY HOUSE IS GREAT. GOT EVERYTHING A GUY COULD ASK FOR.



NG: Does it even have a toilet?
DR: I have an outhouse.
NG: God, it’s even worse than I thought. Well, let’s get on with this…
DR: Wait. What. The. Fuck. Is. That?



NG: Oh yeah. That. Well I may have dropped something onto one of the machines. The Bloxtruder? Cruxsposer? Something stupid like that. When I did the lid popped off and that thing came out. Just started hovering around you.
DR: Well what is it? Some weird little fairy thing?
NG: No idea. There was something in the Cruxtruder’s tube though. Oh yeah, that’s what that thing is called. A Cruxtruder.
DR: Well what about this other thing? With the big pad?
NG: So far I haven’t found any use for it.
DR: I guess it’d be asking too fucking much for you to give me any useful information about that thing either, huh?
NG: Actually that is a Totem Lathe.
DR: Great, what does it do?
NG: I have no idea.
DR: Fucking marvelous.
NG: Oh. I suppose there was one thing I should have mentioned. When I dropped your sa-IMEANTHETHING on the cruxtruder, a countdown appeared on it.
DR: Jesus fuck, that sounds pretty fucking ominous to me. Sounds ominous enough that perhaps you should have mentioned it sooner INSTEAD YOU GIVING ME USELESS TECHNOBABBLE ABOUT BULLSHIT THAT IS NO USE TO ME.
NG: Well we have no idea what it is counting down. It could be nothing at all.
DR: You play a lot of games don’t you Mal. I can call you Mal, right?
NG: Uh, sure. And yeah, I guess I do.
DR: Tell me Mal, have you ever had a countdown timer in a game that counted down to absolutely nothing?
NG: …no.
DR: So the chances that this is in fact a big deal and not nothing are actually quite high, wouldn’t you say?
NG: …yes.
DR: Great. So how about we fix this colossal oversight before something bad happens to me which will in turn lead to me TEARING OUT YOUR IDIOTIC USELESS THROAT YOU ENORMOUS WADDLING CUNT
NG: Ok, lets do that then.
DR: GOOD. You said that there was something in the cruxwhatever, right? Lets check that out.



DR: Ok, so I guess I have a useless tube now.
NG: Cylinder. It’s a cylinder.
DR: Whatever. What does it do?
NG: How should I know?
DR: Well it must do something when put on one of these machines from the game. Or else why would they even give us this? Was there anything else available to you?
NG: Some stuff called build grist, which I’ve already used up, some machines we can’t afford…
DR: How about stuff that we can actually use ? What do we have under that category?
NG: I guess there is this pre-punched card thing. It’s like one of those old data cards I guess.
DR: Well it must be used with one of these machines. Seriously, you’re meant to be the smart nerdy one, how come you haven’t figured this shit out already?
NG: I’m not nerdy!
DR: Yeah sure, and Batman isn’t a total pussy.
NG: Batman isn’t a pussy!!!
DR: Oh yeah? Then why doesn’t he just break the Jokers fucking legs and just throw him in a cell? Or better yet, just shoot him? I mean criminals get the electric chair for stuff that’s nothing compared to what some deranged guy in a gimp suit does? It don’t make no sense.
NG: Man, Batman doesn’t kill people because his parents are de-
DR: DON’T CARE, NEVER WILL. Lets just use those amazing detective skills of yours to find out which machine this card is used with.
NG: Judging from the names of the machines, I’d say it’s likely to be t-
DR: IT’S THE TOTEM LATHE.
NG: How do you know? It might not be.
DR: It has a card shaped slot. Jesus you are actually terrible at this game aren’t you? Let me just put this shit in the slot…



DR: Huh. That’s interesting. I think I know what we gotta do.

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SOME ANTICS LATER...

DR: And now we just see what the Alchemiter produces.
NG: You know Ryder, I might have been wrong about y-
DR: SHUT UP, STUFF IS HAPPENING.





NG: Uhhh.
DR: Ok. So a giant chicken just materialized and did an enormous egg shit all over my machine. Not sure how I should really feel about this.
NG: I’m opting for confused.
DR: Yeah, that sounds like a good one.



DR: Huh, looks like this egg has a timer on it.
NG: An egg timer?
DR: Yeah.
NG: …that was a joke.
DR: I know, I chose to ignore it. What does the Crux-timer say?
NG: We’re down to 4:24
DR: OK. 4:22. The egg is a few seconds ahead then. Better figure out what this fairy thing wants before we run outta time.
NG: Uh. Ryder? You might want to peak outside…




NG: I think that’s what the countdown is about.



NG: I guess you were right about the countdown actually being something…



DR: Well, looks like we got no time to waste.

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DR: Do you have any idea at all what the deal is with this floatin’ douchebag?



NG: Afraid not. He seems to currently be gravitating around one of your Buddha statues. I have to say, you don’t seem to be the kind of person I expected to be interested in that kind of thing.
DR: A man is a complex thing Mal, the Buddha knew that better than anyone. And where the fuck do you get off, prying into my shi-



NG: What the hell was that?
DR: Probably one of the meteors hitting nearby. We should wrap this thing up.
NG: Ryder, check out the floaty thing!



DR: Well. That’s interesting.

*Spritelog*

Buddhasprite: Humble greetings, Mr. Ryder.
DR: Uh. Hi. Can you tell me what the hell is going on?
Buddhasprite: I shall, despite your unneeded profane language. Currently what is going on is the reckoning, the destruction of your world, brought about by the playing of this game. More immediately, a meteor of some size is hurtling towards your home and will destroy it should you fail to enter the medium in time. Also as of a few mere moments ago I was prototyped, no thanks to you.
DR: Is that what I was meant to do? Prototype you?
Buddhasprite: Yes, only after that was I able to communicate with you. Fortunately a meteor did your work for you. I must say you have done quite well. Save for your failure to realize my purpose you have grasped what to do with each of the game’s items and now need only wait.
DR: So all I need to do now, to stop the meteors from killing me is…nothing?
Buddhasprite: The entering of the Medium is a challenge for each player because it forms an elaborate lesson, which the game feels the player must learn. You are an intelligent enough individual, and you do not lack in motivation and courage. However, you excel at pressing forward, of destroying rather than building. You lack patience. That is your test. Patience. Patience and preservation. Really I have told you more than I should have, but I’m nothing if not compassionate.
DR: So your job is basically to guide me through the game? Anything else I should know about you?
Buddhasprite: I can be prototyped more than once, but I wouldn’t advise it right now.
DR: So what? I just wait?
Buddhasprite: You must preserve.
DR: Do you have to be so cryptic?
Buddhasprite: Yes. It is a constraint built into the game. Further more, sprites adopt traits in keeping with the object or person they were prototyped with. Hence me being not quite as urgently alarmed as the present situation perhaps dictates.
DR: If I prototyped you with something else, would you be less cryptic and more suited to a situation that doesn’t require us to just sit around with our respective dicks in our hands until we die?
Buddhasprite: It’s impossible to say without specifics. It really depends on what you’d prototype me with. This Viking toy here for example.



Buddhasprite: This would likely change my behavior to better suit a more action-oriented mind frame. However, like I previously stated, I would strongly advise against prototyping me a second time.
DR: This Viking toy right here?
Buddhasprite: Yes. That was the one I was just indicating to. But as I had just finished saying only a moment ag-
DR: LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!
Buddhasprite: Do you honestly expect me to turn around? This is a foolish gesture and I’d appreciate it if…



Buddhasprite: Oh.




DR: Well, that’s more like it. So, what course of action do we need to take so I don’t die?
Vikingsprite: YOU UTTER CUNT
DR: WHAT? FUCK YOU!



Vikingsprite: DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU’VE DONE? WHY DIDN’T YOU WAIT LIKE I SAID?
DR: I DIDN’T HAVE TIME! WE HAVE A CODE FUCKING FLASHING RED HERE!
Vikingsprite: YOU’VE CHANGED NOTHING! YOU’VE ONLY MADE IT HARDER FOR YOURSELF. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW EASY IT COULD HAVE BEEN, FACING PACIFIST ENEMIES? MONSTERS THAT DON’T FIGHT BACK? BUT NO, YOU HAD TO IGNORE THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT OF THE LESSON! PATIENCE! AND NOW THE ENEMIES WILL BE BLOODTHIRSTY, THEY WILL NOT FEAR DEATH, BUT SEEK IT!
DR: WHAT THE BLUSTERING FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU WERE MEANT TO BE LESS CRYPTIC, NOT MORE!

NG: Errr, Ryder.
DR: WHAT? WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE WORTH INTERUPPTING AT A TIME LIKE THIS?
NG: The timer. It’s down to 5 seconds.





DR: Oh.



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