That Session With All The Axes

[problemsleuth]

OH SHIT, LOOKS LIKE IT'S TIME FOR A STORY MOTHER FUCKERS!
HERE BEGINITH THE STORY:



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-nocturnalGumshoe started pestering dharmicRider-

NG: Hey man, what’s up?
DR: Oh sweet Christ what the fuck do you want?
NG: Don’t you remember the deal we made yesterday?
DR: I remember you getting drunk an making a total ass of yourself
DR: And I remember you bothering me while I was trying to score. So yeah, thanks for that.
NG: You don’t remember what we talked about? At all?
DR: I remember you spewing some bullshit about some equally bullshit game. Trying to get a bunch of people to play it with you cos unsurprisingly you apparently have no friends. Good luck with that.
NG: Wait, you’ve got to do this man! You’ll love it!
DR: I’m twenty-three you fetid moron. I’m over with kid’s games. Some of us work. You know, at a job and stuff. Not all of us still crash at their mother’s goddamn house.
NG: I’m between jobs! And you don’t even have a mother to crash with anyway!
DR:…
NG: Oh shit, sorry man! Didn’t mean to bring up a sore point!
DR: You really are the most sorry, pathetic sack of shit I’ve ever had to endure. I honestly can’t believe you’ve made it this far into life without being violently murdered. Or y’know dying of obesity.
NG: Come on man, that’s uncalled for! I thought we were bros!
DR: You’ve got to be kidding. When have I ever even once given the impression that I don’t hate your fucking guts? You just want me for this bullshit game. I know how you function you slimy cocksucker, playin’ all chummy to exploit people. Saw you do it all the time back at school.
NG: That was a long time ago man! People change! Just look at you! You used to be a short little nerd! And now you’re all badass and buff! Still short though…
DR: I’m done with this memory lane bullshit. Go bother someone else for your idiotic fucking playtime.

-dharmicRider blocked nocturnalGumshoe-



THAT MISERABLE SACK OF SHIT, IF YOU EVER SEE HIM FACE TO FACE AGAIN HE'LL BE SHITTIN' HIS TEETH FOR A WEEK

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BLUH. That asshole. You were counting on his strength and testosterone to help you when you start the game. Well, at least you managed to get a dig about his dead mother into the conversation. And you still have some other options. You only need one other person to enter the game. Might as well start with that poncey rich boy. He seems starved for fun, he’s sure to take the bait!



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-nocturnalGumshoe started pestering chicScion-

NG: Hey buddy! What’s up?
CS: Oh, Hi!
CS: Have you fully recovered from last night’s episode?
NG: Oh yeah, no problems there! I do have another problem though…
CS: Oh? Anything I can do to help?
NG: As a matter of fact, yes! I need someone to play a game with me!
CS: I’ll try to ignore how much that sounds like the beginnings of a horror film…or a perverse sexual encounter. What kind of game?
NG: Oh it’s an awesome game man! It’s like virtual reality! You enter a world and become a hero! And so do your friends, and then you all meet up and take down a bunch of bosses! At least that’s what the hype on the Internet says… It’s HUGE man! And we can play it!
CS: Do I have to go out and buy it? Will it be expensive?
NG: Hah, come on man we both know you’re loaded! And don’t worry, I’ve got it torrented already, I’ll give you the link. That way you don’t even have to buy it! Plus it kind of hasn’t been released yet.
CS: I’m not sure how I feel about pirating things off the Internet…
NG: Damn, Ryder was right…
CS: Ryder?
NG: Yeah. He totally said you were too boring and everything to download a game. I think the term he used was ‘hoity-toity’.
CS: Ryder. That lout…used the term ‘hoity-toity’.
NG: I swear man! He totally implied you were too scared to ever do anything illegal!
CS: It hardly surprises me that a drooling, knuckle-dragging hooligan such as him would mistake morality for cowardice.
NG: Ok man, I’ll level with you…I really want to play this game. And it takes at least two to play. And I don’t have many friends because of….well, stuff. Stuff I have to do that leaves no time free to make friends. And after the reunion last night I thought it’d be a chance to catch up with some old peeps and get them to join me.
CS: I don’t recall us ever being what would be regarded as ‘peeps’.
NG: Then this game will be a great chance for us to bond and become peeps! Come on future bro!
CS: Ok. But let me try and get some others on board. We might as well not do this completely alone.
NG: AWESOME! YOU ARE THE BEST BRO! GOOD LUCK!

-nocturnalGumshoe ceased pestering chicScion-

[grimauxiliatrix]

>ChicScion: Try to stop your handkerchief from chocking you. As it currently looks like it is actually some sort of phantasmal hand.

[gamzee]

>dharmicRider: Enjoy a sandwich made of pure mangrit ingredients.
>nocturnalGumshoe: Be the night.

[problemsleuth]

Dec 1, 2010 0:24:04 GMT -6 grimauxiliatrix said:

>ChicScion: Try to stop your handkerchief from chocking you. As it currently looks like it is actually some sort of phantasmal hand.

You are more than a little confused. You are quite sure you have never owned a handkerchief...ah, but perhaps you are referring to the STYLISH DESERT SCARF? You are quite sure that it's not choking you. One of the benefits of the STYLISH DESERT SCARF is that while worn loosely, it will still protect your delicate neck from the elements and look STYLISH. You don't think it looks like a phantasmal hand whatsoever, but then you are quite lacking in IMAGINATION.

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[problemsleuth]

Dec 1, 2010 1:44:26 GMT -6 gamzee said:

>dharmicRider: Enjoy a sandwich made of pure mangrit ingredients.

Ah, but the true secret to mangrititude does not come from a sandwich! No, this is a drink to put untold numbers of hairs on your chest. And almost everywhere else. Better get out your notebooks kids, Ryder's about to drop some knowledge like his name was Siddhārtha Gautama.

First, some music to get us in the mood....



YEAH, THAT'S THE STUFF! Next you need your ingredients. One: hip-flask full of a beverage of your choice. Ryder is in a vodka mood, but whisky, gin, and scotch are known to work equally well. Two: A half full carton of pomegranate juice.



NOW MIX THOSE BITCHES TOGETHER



SHAKE IT UP LIKE A GODDAMN MARTINI (after replacing the cap of course) AND THEN DRINK THE FUCKER



ARRGARGLEBLUGGUGGUGGUGAHHHHHHHH THATS THE STUFF, YOU FEEL STRONGER ALREADY!

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[grimauxiliatrix]

> ChicScion: Cut to the chase and play this game for hipsters immediately.

[problemsleuth]

Dec 1, 2010 22:27:12 GMT -6 grimauxiliatrix said:

> ChicScion: Cut to the chase and play this game for hipsters immediately.

No, no, no! You already said you would get some other people on board for the game! Besides, the prospect of spending so much one on one time with Malcolm is not an appealing one to be frank. And what’s with the Hipster comment? The game hasn’t even been legally released, let alone accepted into the all-too-open heart of the hipster community. Not that you’d even know what hipsters like, you find them a tad idiotic to be honest.

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Now, who to ensnare into this game thing? Hmm, it'd have to be someone you always enjoy spending time with, someone who seems to genuinely like you. And someone who might be able to bring in more people. Maybe? No, no, last you saw of him he was vomiting in the gutter, he is likely incapacitated this morning. Ah, how about that guy! The one with the eyepatch! Oh, wait no, he works weekends. This is tricky. Ahh! Yes of course! You ALWAYS enjoy spending time with her! And she is always having exciting stuff happening to her!



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chicScion started pestering malcontentTurncoat

CS: Hi, Hans, how are you?
MT: Hey guy. I’m feeling pretty good. Just sluggish, y’know?
CS: Well, you did seem to drink a fair bit last night.
MT: Sorry mom.
CS: Please don’t call me mom. It just feels…weird. And besides, I wasn’t being judgmental, merely observant.
MT: Good thing I’ve got you to look out for me, huh?
CS: Well, you do seem to attract a certain kind of attention to yourself.
MT: Wow, sounds like you are trying to imply something there. I think you’re gonna have to lay to me straight, cos I can’t decode whatever message it is you have.
CS: You attract weirdos, Hans.
MT: Weirdos?
CS: Small, perpetually furious, bearded weirdos.
MT: Oh, come on, give the guy a break.
CS: The man has no subtlety.
MT: Look, he’s alright once you get to know him. You just have to prove to him that you’re worth the effort. He may be blunt and everything, but if he considers you a friend he’s always got your back.
CS: I think he is more interested in your backside.
MT: Oh, is that what it’s about? Nah, he was just venting. You know he’s only got eyes for one girl. Give it a couple of weeks and they’ll be back together, I guarantee it. I swear it’s like they were made for each other.
CS: It still amazes me that they function as a couple. They are so different!
MT: That’s just appearances, deep down they’re pretty alike. They’ve both got that fire, and they keep each other in check. That’s why Ryder is especially…Ryder at the moment. He’ll simmer down when he get’s back with her. If you spend some time with him he’ll probably see what a great guy you are too.
CS: The man has given no signs that’d be the case. Apparently he thinks I’m “Hoity-Toity”.
MT: That doesn’t sound like something Ryder would say.
CS: Really? Funny, I didn’t think so either.
MT: Nah, he’d say something more along the lines of: THAT UPTIGHT PRICK NEEDS TO PULL THE ROD THAT REPLACES HIS GODDAMN SPINE FROM HIS ASS .
CS: Thank you so much Hans.
MT: So, did you just want to bitch about Ryder or was there another reason you wanted to talk?
CS: Oh yes, I nearly forgot! Are you interested in a game?
MT: What kind of game?
CS: To be honest, I’m not completely sure. I think it’s like a virtual reality game that you play with your friends and you all become heros or something. That is what Malcolm said anyway.
MT: Malc? God, why were you talking to him?
CS: Well he started talking to me first, and I figured it wouldn’t hurt to show some kindness and take him up on his offer. Provided I brought some other people to make it more bearable.
MT: And so the nefarious plan is revealed…
CS: Come on Hans, this could be fun. If worst comes to the worst, and Malcolm becomes too unbearable we could just quit. And he probably won’t have many people to invite so it’ll mainly just be our friends.
MT: I don’t know too many people who’d be up for it after last night. My forecast predicts a lot of hangovers and recovery days.
CS: Pleeaaasssse Hans! We never hang out enough!
MT: Ok, let me see if I can rope someone in. If she’s in then I’m game.
CS: Excellent! Just contact me after you have and I’ll get in touch with Malcolm.
MT: Later, guy.
CS: Good luck!

chicScion ceased pestering malcontentTurncoat


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[sleeplessChelovek]

Oh Boy! I can't wait for the next installment.

[grimauxiliatrix]

Chicscion: Be completely upfront about your crush on malcontentTurncoat this very instant. Even if she doesn't look very feminine!

malcontentTurncoat: Thinking about who the other friend is that you're planning to invite.

[problemsleuth]

Dec 9, 2010 10:14:28 GMT -6 grimauxiliatrix said:

Chicscion: Be completely upfront about your crush on malcontentTurncoat this very instant. Even if she doesn't look very feminine!

You wonder what gives people the impression that you have a crush on Hans. She’s a very close friend, probably the best you’ve ever had, but that doesn’t mean you think about her romantically. You think it’s a bit sad that people find it hard to believe your relationship is platonic. And FYI she does look feminine. She just doesn’t have the most flattering style. God knows you’ve tried to get her to improve her appearance enough times. She'd probably look stunning if only she tried.



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[problemsleuth]

Dec 9, 2010 10:14:28 GMT -6 grimauxiliatrix said:

malcontentTurncoat: Thinking about who the other friend is that you're planning to invite.

That doesn't really make any sense but sure thing, time to lasso that crazy cowgirl into this thing.



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malcontentTurncoat started pestering judicialTriggerman

MT: WHAT UP BITCH
JT: JUST CHILLIN’, BANGING YOUR PARENTS
MT: Wow, both of them?
JT: Awww yeah. Sorry, your parents are getting a divorce. Both of them will be moving in with me. One of the terms of moving in with me was to never speak to you again. Except when vividly describing the awesome sex they will be having with me.
MT: Damn, you can keep them. OH BY THE WAY THOSE 5000 GUYS YOU FUCKED LAST WEEK CALLED, THEY WANT THEIR STDS BACK.
JT: Fuck them they’re my STDs now bitch. OH BTW ALL THE GUYS YOU FUCKED IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE CALLED OH WAIT NO THEY DIDN’T COS THERE ARE NONE!
MT: HAHAHA FUCK YOU
JT: OK, seriously, how are you?
MT: I’m good. Might be playin’ a game. You in?
JT: Woah, woah, woah. Aren’t you even going to beat around the bush before you drop the big invite question?
MT: Nope, can’t be bothered. So, you in?
JT: WITGAWIPI?
MT: Hang on, give me a sec… What Is The Game And When Is… Proceeding… It?
JT: Sooo close! What Is The Game And Who Is Playing It?
MT: Dang. I’m getting better at that though. Anyway, I don’t know the name of the game. It’s like, a social game. Where you are all heroes. Or something. And it’s Malc, Ed, me and… you? Perhaps? Also I has hoping you could help me get Ryder to join. Because it would be hilarious.
JT: Yeah, sure ok. Getting’ pretty boring here anyhow. Let’s get Ryder.



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malcontentTurncoat and judicialTriggerman started a new pester with dharmicRider

MT: Heeeeeeeey Ryder!
JT: Heeeeeeeeey Ryder!
DR: Oh god. Both of you at once. This can’t be good. I didn’t even know you could do that.
JT: That is because you are terrible at any technology that doesn’t involve two wheels.
MT: And because you aren’t the awesome technical wiz that I am.
DR: Awesome? I got another name for it. PATHETICALLY LAME.
MT: Oh shit, he’s insulting me over a chat program, however will I cope?
DR: What do you two want?
JT: We’re going to play a game. And so are you.
DR: The hell I am, I already had to turn down Malcolm about some game shit today.
MT: Wait, Malc already tried to get you to join? And you said no? Did he tell you that Ed and me are playing? And now we got this lovely lady to join.
DR: I think calling her a lady is a stain upon all those girls out there who actually are ladies. I’ve never seen Fallon do one ladylike thing. Unless you count getting shitfaced and fucking dudes in the toilets as bein’ ladylike?
MT: Fair point.
JT: Fuck you guys, I’m a free spirit. The very embodiment of a progressive woman. Besides, Fola isn’t exactly a lady is she?
DR: Never said she was.
JT: Don’t worry Ryder, she’ll be back. She can’t stay away from her little fiery haired hubby forever.
DR: She can do whatever she wants. I don’t give a shit.
MT: Aww, don’t be like that. We can invite her to this game too if you want. Might be the thing that brings you back together.
DR: Fuck that. She’s ridin’ out up state anyway. She always does that when her heads in a bad place.
JT: Well when things get back to normal, you, Fola and me need to do another run together. Maybe a tour of California?
DR: Maybe, if I can get the time off away from the job. Riding always puts me in a good place and it’s been a long time, I gotta admit.
MT: Can I come?
JT: Sorry babe, bikers only. Maybe you can buy some shitty little scooter with Ed and trundle on behind us.
DR: Damn, I bet he’d love that. Getting a free excuse to be hugged by you for 500 miles.
JT: Who says he won’t be the one on the back?
DR: Don’t be alarmed if you feel something poking into your back Hanna, that jus’ means he’s happy.
MT: Fuck the both of you. Are we doing this game thing or what?
DR: I never agreed to nothing.
MT: Join, or I tell Fallon what happened last night.
JT: Wait, what happened last night?
DR: BLACKMAILING CUNT, FINE, I’LL JOIN YOUR BULLSHIT GAME.
JT: Awww come on, you gotta spill the beans!
DR: NEVER.
MT: Well, the deal is done. Shall we get everyone together and organize this thing?
JT: Sure, lets do it.



malcontentTurncoat invited chicScion and nocturnalGumshoe

MT: LETS DO THIS THING!
CS: Hi Hans! Wow, is everybody in this chat?
MT: Yup, I think this is it. Best that I could round up anyway.
DR: Fuck you, you’re goddamned lucky you got me.
NG: You got Ryder? How?
MT: All it took was a little blackmail.
NG: Haha, really?
DR: Watch yourself. My tolerance for bullshit is at a bare minimum.
JT: Save it for the game, tough guy. So, how do we start this?
NG: I send you link to the game, you download it and install it. There are two part to the download, the server stuff and the client stuff. Install the server stuff and wait before you install the client data. We can’t all enter the game at once, so we need a looping rotation system.
DR: What the sweet fucking Christ are you talking about?
CS: Uh, seconded. But without the vulgarity.
NG: Basically, we need one player to get stuff going with his server player, then once he’s started our session, the server player becomes the client to the next server player and so on until we get to the original client becoming the last server player.
DR: Right, I think I get it. How ‘bout you guys?
JT: Gotcha.
MT: Had it figured out in a flash.
CS: I think I get it. What order should we go in?
NG: I think I should be the first server player, so I can better get to grips with the games mechanics. Who wants to be my client?
NG:…
NG: Anyone?
JT: It should be Ryder.
DR: WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO PISS YOU OFF
JT: Think about it, if you are the first client, you get to make the most headway. Besides, you can be my server player if you want.
DR: Yeah, ok, why the fuck not? Malcolm better fucking watch himself though.
NG: Relax buddy, it’ll be fine!
DR: DON’T YOU CALL ME BUDDY YOU LECHEROUS CREEP
JT: Do you want to be my client Hans?
MT: Hells yes.
CS: Guess that makes me Malc’s server player and your client Hans.
MT: Guess it does.
NG: So it’s Ryder → Me → Ed → Hanna → Fallon → Ryder again. Ok guys, heres the link: www.buccaneerlagoon.net/torrents/1hf62SBURB/
NG: Lets get this going.



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[problemsleuth]

Part 2: Lets Get This Thing Going

[problemsleuth]

judicialTriggerman started pestering dharmicRider

JT: Hey Ryder, you got the download done?
DR: Yeah, yeah, I’m all set.
JT: OK, good luck with this thing. And do me a favor please? Try not to get too mad at Malc. He might rub you the wrong way but he knows more about the game then any of us. And he’s pretty good a tech, even if he can’t hold a candle to Hans.
DR: I’ll try not to get too mad. But Jesus, you should have heard him earlier. Simultaneously acting all chummy and making a snide remark about my mom. OH WELL LOOK AT THIS BULLSHIT APPARENTLY HE HAS AN URGENT MEMO FOR US.
DR: WELL FUCK HIM AND HIS BULLSHIT MEMOS. WHAT IS MEMO EVEN SHORT FOR ANYWAY?
JT: You should check this out. I think you’ll find it interesting.
DR: ARUGH, FINE.


dharmicRider joined nocturnalGumshoe’s Memo

DR: So what’s all this about.
NG: I found some information out about the game. Nothing urgent, but it pays to be prepared. Look at batman he-
DR: OH GOD HE’S ACTUALLY GOING TO TALK ABOUT BATMAN MY FUCKING GOD
NG:…he is always prepared for any outcome, that is why he is the worlds greatest hero. ☺
DR: OH MY GOD WHY DON’T YOU STOP INVOLVING US IN YOUR ELABORATE BATMAN JERK OFF FANTASIES.
CS: Eww.
MT: Seconded.
JT: Once again I feel the need to get us back on track after this train wreck of a conversation. I’m like a human crane. Terrible derailment of a conversation? Here, let me pick you up and put you back on the tracks, little train.
NG: Over elaborate analogies aside, my point was that we will need weapons when we enter the game world, near immediately. Rather then get caught out without a weapon I thought It’d be a good idea for you guys to get weapons now, while we’ve got time to spare.
DR: Anyone else notice he drops his bullshit chummy persona when he’s getting seriously nerdy?
NG: No doubt you have an untold number of deadly weapons Ryder.
DR: Yeah, as if you need to ask. If I’m gonna be takin’ names though, I wanna be suited up and ready for it. Later guys.

dharmicRider left the memo

NG: What about the rest of you guys? Got anything to use?
JT: I got a couple of six-shooters with me. Those be any good?
NG: Woah. Yeah. Those will be fine.
MT: PSYCHO GURL
JT: Hey, a girls gotta look after herself.
MT: And I manage that fine without arming myself like a bandito.
JT: So what have you got Hans?
MT: I dunno. Um, I guess I have some knives in the kitchen. And um, a staple gun.
JT:
MT: OH OH OH! I do have something! But it’s a bit of antique!
JT: If it’ll do damage might as well use it.
NG: Once we’re in the game, it should work fine. You might even be able to upgrade it. This game supposedly has quite a complex item system. What about you Ed?
CS: Yes, I was just thinking about it. I do have some fencing equipment. I even have a real non-blunted fencing foil. It should do the trick. I was quite a good fencer back at school.
JT: So DASHING!
NG: Well if we’re all ready with what we’re going to use, I should get back to Ryder and start this, you guys should have plenty of time to prepare. Myself and Ryder will fill you in on any additional stuff we discover.

nocturnalGumshoe closed the memo

[problemsleuth]

OH YEAH. You are looking mighty deadly with your twin revolvers. Well. Not identical twins. Not even matching really, but you have two of them. They were left to you by your dear old grandypops, who was something of an obsessive when it came to Old Western antiques. He left most of them to you as you were the grandchild with the most interest in the Old West. You were also his only grandchild. The revolvers are SIX BULLET ROULETTE and the TB (short for the Three B’s (which in turn is short for the BUCKSHOTS BUCKAROOS BLASTER)). The SBR is decorated with the four card symbols and skulls. Which is pretty dumb really, since roulette doesn’t even involve cards. You guess they were going for a gambling thing. Gambling was a pretty big thing in the Old West. Nothin’ like dousin’ yer moustache in some whiskey with a Chinese filly on yer lap while you plays a hand with the locals. The perfect reliefs after the long and dusty trail. SIX BULLET ROULETTE: ALWAYS BET ON DEATH, EVERYONE’S A WINNER! The TB is cool for two reasons. It shares it’s name with a deadly disease that has killed untold thousands. It also looks COOL AS FUCK. And it’s sawn off and has an incredibly high caliber. So you guess that’s three cool things about it. Oh wait, four. Whatever, point is, any sons o’ mothers that cross you are likely to regret it. And need a coffin. Or severe corrective surgery.



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You collect your fencing foil from the mantelpiece. Wow. You’re actually going to get to use this again. In real (simulated) combat. This is making you feel… no. It’s no use. You can’t help yourself. You do a little lame dance of excitement. It feels strangely familiar, as if you are channeling it from some legendary giant that came before you. A chance to use the old blade once again. Maybe this game will be fun.



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YEEEAAAAAH! YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY COVERED IN DANGEROUS ARMAMENTS. HOW TOUGH DO YOU EVEN NEED TO BE TO CARRY TWO SHOTGUNS? THE ANSWER IF THIS TOUGH OF COURSE, FUCKFACE.



COME ON YOU GUTLESS PANSIES, WHO WANTS TO DIE FIRST? DON’T WORRY BOYS, THERE COFFINS FOR THE PLENTY OF Y-SWEET JESUS WHAT WAS THAT.



Someone is attempting to contact you. You’re sure glad no one was around to see you get spooked so easily. It would have been SO embarrassing. Well, better see what they want…

Unknown chum is pestering dharmicRider

UC: Petrovic Omega. Callsign Petrovic Omega, do you read me? Please respond, over.
DR: What are you talking about? Who are you?
UC: This is Callsign Harvester One. Can you comfirm you are Petrovic Omega, over?
DR: Listen. Not only do I not know who you are, but also I’ve never even heard of this Petrovic guy. Also, stop saying over, it’s a goddamned chat log, I can see when you’re done.
UC: If you are not Petrovic Omega then please pass me over to Callsign Arizona Prime. Failing that I will settle for Callsign Mesa Bluff. Or Callsign Petrovic Falcon, if she’s with you.
DR: Listen moron, I’m the only one here. And I’m not called Arizona Ranger or Big Red Rock or any other bullshit like that, ok?
UC2: Goddamn it Harvester One.
DR: And then there’s this asshole. Who the fuck are you?
UC2: Sir, You’ll have to accept my apologies. This is all a mistake. We won’t be bothering you again any time soon. And Harvester One, not only did you breach one of the most important rules of the mission, but you also apparently failed to learn the new rotation of call signs. Petrovic Omega and Petrovic Falcon are now Honest Abe and Trejo respectively. You should now be referring to yourself as Nest Four. And I am Nest One.
UC: Uh, really? Huh. Sorry Boss.
UC2: I think it’s best we end this before one of us says something that will blow this entire operation. Mr. Ryder sir, sorry for any inconvenience.
DR: Wait, how the hell do you know my name?

Unknown chum and unknown chum 2 left the chat.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

[gamzee]

nocturnalGumshoe: Don the hood. BECOME THE NIGHT.