Worst Experiences in Role-Playing/D&D

[gardenGnostic]

From this thread: forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=2834527&userid=0&perpage=40&pagenumber=1

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From ConfusedUs:

I can't not post this

Jessi, the apocolyptic treewhore and fledgling succubus

About four years ago I moved across country and moved in with an old friend of mine who needed a roommate here in Virginia. I liked it so I stuck around. My roommate, who I'll call Joe because I don't want him to get angry for using his real name, had an INTERNET GIRLFRIEND whom I'll call Jessi because that's her fuckin' name, the fuckin' psycho bitchwhore.

Anyway, after I lived with Joe about a year, Jessi came down and visited us. Whoa boy she was completely unlike anything I'd ever pictured for Joe. But hey! She liked D&D and sat in a few session with my RL group. She played a normal, interesting character. Her first, and only, normal character.

A while later, he went and visited her. And a while after that she moved from Wisconsinland, home of cheeseballs and moo-cows, and moved in with us.

She promptly joined in the game I was DMing. She wanted to play an Entwife, because this was when LotR was big in theaters and people were like OMG FIVE HOUR EXTENDED DVD EDITION WOWZA! For you heathens who don't know Tolkein, Entwives are like Ents, but female, and Ents are like gigantic big fucking talking intelligent trees.

I honestly didn't care, and there was a Savage Species entry for Treant, the D&D version of an Ent.

By this time, most of us knew Jessi was a complete and utter whore, except Joe, who doesn't play D&D and doesn't really count because of that. So here we are, playing some nerdy game focused on getting the PCs stuck in a war between heaven and hell, letting them choose their sides as spells fly by and NPCs lie, cheat, and beg for money. She's also cheating on Joe with another member of the group, but I didn't know till later.

So, of course, what's an entwife to do?

"I want to get pollinated," intones Jessi with a perfectly straight face. "It's springtime, high mating season for us ents."

I just stare at her. "Uh, pollinated? Sure...there's some bees in the field. You get pollinated while you're walking towards Haven." The others look grateful and go back to stacking dice and eating cheetos.

"What, just like that? You're not going to DESCRIBE it? What kind of DM are you? And who said we're going to Haven? You're railroading me!" She begins ranting and raving about how I'm a terrible DM. True or not, you don't just say it like that. It's not polite. And no one wants to pollinate a rude treant.

Now everyone is giving me a look. You know, the LOOK. The one where everyone is thinking "What the christ is going on and why aren't you stopping this?"

"Jessi, calm down. You're going to haven because, uh, everyone just spent the last half hour and decided that was the best place to go, since your hometown got burned down. And no, I'm not going to describe pollination in detail. I'm not a fucking entomoligist."

Jessi quiets down, and the game continues. Several sessions later, the incident forgotten, the group is walking cross country. Everything is going well. The sky is blue, the orcs are dead, and the tree is humping a sunflower.

Wait a minute.

"Jessi did you just say you're going to go hump a sunflower?"

"Yes. I still want to get pollinated."

"Oh for christ sakes we already went over this! Besides, there's no bees here."

"There's always bees where there are flowers."

And so begins an arguement that derails the game for about an hour. Eventually, I snap. "You want bees? You want fucking bees? Here ya go! Roll initiatve!"

And this would end the tail of Jessi the treewhore, since a quintet of collosal monsterous bees attacked and destroyed the treant.

A few days later, Joe finially figures out that she's been cheating on him for quite some time, and kicks her out. We all cheer, even the guy in the group she'd been banging in her spare time, and throw a party.

A few days after that, she shows up to the D&D game with a character sheet. She's playing a succubus this time, right? Wrong!

Ten minutes, two phone calls, and a trio of cops later, our fledgling succubus is being escorted off the property, never to return. I still see her occasionally, since she's been unable to convince anyone else on the internet that she's worth moving cross country, and I always think of her treewhore when I do.

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For the record, this is the poster's avatar and custom title:



Bees?
You want fucking bees?
Here ya go!
ROLL INITIATIVE!

[twinArmageddons]

sounds like the police sting

really wasn't bumbling around

[gardenGnostic]

Thankfully I only have one horror story, but it’s a doozy. I used to have 2 regular role-playing groups, and the guy who liked in the 2nd group GM picked up the 2nd ed Exalted books one day. We looked over them and decided that it sounded pretty neat and that we'd try a campaign. I made a Twilight sorcerer-priest with almost no offensive capability, other than one spell and my artifact. I took the Singing Staff and came up with a good background justifying why I would have such a powerful first age artifact. I kept this artifact fully sealed in a plain wooden tube and never I had never revealed it or talked about it to any living being. In addition to that, I cleared it with him and he said it was fine. Fast forward about a month later to what was supposed to be our first session. I meet our GM at work to pick him up, and he says we're probably not going to be able to play for long tonight because he's got a date or some shit. We finish rounding the group up and we get to my place, and he decides he doesn't have enough time to start the story so he tells us to make our 2nd character.

Um, what 2nd character? So he basically told us that he had retconned the lore abit, and as it turns out the Solars are really irredeemable villains just waiting to become lunatics, and that he had already decided our characters would go mad at the end of the campaign, and that it would be up to our 2nd characters to stop them. I had to crush the urge to ask him why he just doesn't turn his idea for the first campaign into a story and start the 2nd one, since the outcome has already been decided and our input as role-players has been ignored. Whatever, I just shrug and wait till next week when we finally start. He starts us off in a port town in the Threshold (can't remember the name atm) with each of us having booked passage on a ship. He didn't tell us why we did this or where we were headed though. So as it happens the slave market is on the docks. As the slave are being brought out he mentions that one of them is one of our players (how the fuck did a dawn caste get enslaved by mortals?) and he unsubtly hints that we should rescue her. Well my character was from an area that accepted slavery, hell he even has two dots in Backing in The Guild! So I do nothing, and eventually another one of my former friends sighs, and walks up and breaks her chains and frees her. This of course sets off the guards so we all get on the boat and sail off before they can catch us.

So on the first night we’re sailing along he says this is a good time to socialize and introduce ourselves. I couldn’t help thinking, why? Why the fuck does my arrogant sorcerer give a flying fuck about people who happen to be on the same boat? You don’t talk to everyone on a cruise ship do you? Anyways what happened on the 2nd night of sailing was the straw that broke the camels back. I was sleeping in hammock in the cargo hold (which is wide open btw) when suddenly I wake up. A massive lunar has his hand my staff, which NOBODY should even know exists, much less its location. So I fire off my one spell at him, which he just blocks with a perfect defense. As it turns out he’s not the only lunar on the boat, and some of the other players are fighting as well. So he goes through their combats. A few minutes later he says the lunar just took my staff, walked out, and locked the door that doesn’t even exist. Not only was my 2nd turn completely skipped on account of railroad, but apparently I had just stood there “mentally stunned or shaken” for a few minutes while he escaped. I couldn’t believe this bullshit, I was tired of this awful game. I promptly packed up my shit and left. So I get to work the next day (one of the players was my boss) and I find out I’m fired. He tried to make like it sound like it was for another reason, but he was clearly full of shit. I haven’t seen those people since.